Miranda Read online

  “Could you be mistaken?” I lowered my head while tears rolled down.

  The doctor put his hand on my back.

  “Relax, Miranda. Take one step at a time. First, let’s perform a second blood test to make sure. If it’s positive again, then I’ll see how advanced the pregnancy may be and the condition of the embryo. Then, I’ll recommend a gynecologist whom I trust. Is that all right?”

  No, it’s not all right. Nothing is all right! I am pregnant! Pregnant! From a man whom I barely know!

  I buried my head in my hands and began crying.

  ***

  The next morning was the same story: insomnia, then a phone call. It was the doctor’s office. The results indicated that, in effect, I was far along in my pregnancy. The blood tests were otherwise normal. Well, without another explanation, the bleeding made me another data point for the statistic of women who experience bleeding during the first gestational trimester.

  Rest. Get a lot of rest, at least two weeks worth. That was the prescription.

  Uh huh! And how do I explain that? Shouldn’t I take advantage of my absence to pack my bags and disappear from the lives of both Clausells once and for all? And why not?

  I got to the park where I would sometimes run alone. I sat on the bench where I would have a lot of alone time. I love getting out to people-watch during my sad days. It was a pastime and a lot more: the only activity that helped me clear my thoughts. People’s faces tell stories. Some are faces of pain, some of success, and others… others belong to people living life… people living life and nothing more. How should I live now? My life had been turned upside down.

  I’m so lonely! I need a shoulder on which to cry, someone who’ll hug me while I break down… Norman. I need Norman. At a little over thirty, I felt like a child. That immature child I had never been who commits acts of stupidity that have terrible repercussions.

  Think, Miranda Wise. How would you run your life if it were a business? Like that company after the eighty million dollar contract in El Salvador, what wouldn’t you do to keep your freedom? What are your choices?

  One-Tell Eliezer. He regrets treating me badly. He comes clean with me. We live happily ever after. End of story. Probability: low.

  Two-Tell Eliezer. He distances himself. I continue living my life with a baby. I die alone after a long series of failed loves. Probability: ridiculously high.

  Three-Don’t tell Eliezer. Don’t tell anyone. Don’t have the baby. Never have unprotected sex in your life. Probability: ridiculously high.

  Life has such pitfalls…

  ***

  Two long weeks and someone rang the doorbell. I would remain supine, staring up at the ceiling, the same thing that I had been doing during the past one hundred hours. Perhaps it was because I found an enormous, yet previously unnoticed crack filled with unexplored paths, or perhaps because it was the only thing I could do without losing my focus on not thinking.

  With a jangling of keys, the front door opened and closed.

  Norman, who was the only other person who had the keys to my house, was the only one on the pre-approved visitors list.

  I asked that he not come without telling me. But what if something happened to him?

  I reached for my robe, tied the belt, and opened the door to my room. I hadn’t fixed my hair. I stepped out. A face formed on a dark figure.

  “What the hell are you doing here?!”

  Eliezer got close. I backed up.

  “Are you feeling better, Wise?”

  I laughed. Is that how he comes to ask me for sex?

  How dare he? More importantly…

  “How did you get in? Did Norman give you the key?” I raised my voice. “Give it to me! Go away!”

  He didn’t dare take another step. He looked at the disaster of a woman that he had created.

  “You definitely don’t look good!”

  I picked up a stray shoe on the hallway floor and threw it at his face.

  “Did you come here to be an eyewitness? I’m feeling bad, very bad. You already confirmed it. Now go away at once!”

  Having completed his inspection, he recovered his sense of self-confidence and resumed walking toward me while I continued backing away. He kept walking until I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed with him sitting beside me. He opened his hand and placed a key on my robe.

  “I told you not to leave them in the garage. Just as I could get in, so could anyone else.”

  “What do you want, Clausell?” Although calm, my tone reflected the anger inside. I wanted him to leave as soon as possible. I didn’t know how long I could resist not falling prey to uncontrollable bawling. Eliezer spoke calmly, without sarcasm.

  “To know how you are doing, Miranda.” I noticed his jaw harden. Perhaps it was an attempt to suppress the pity. “May I know what’s wrong with you?”

  “And since when do you care about what’s wrong with me?”

  I already knew the story: it displeased him for me to speak to him that way. He inflated his chest. He took deep breaths. He wanted to maintain his self-control.

  He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

  He exhaled even more deeply.

  “I know that you must be bother…” he began, but I interrupted him:

  “That I must? That I must not! That I have every right to be furious!”

  Eliezer gave me a look of surprise and disgust. Oh, it must be that he’s never seen Miranda Wise furious, boiling on the inside, and on the verge of exploding.

  I continued.

  “You know? I feel creative today. Let’s see if you can understand the situation through a story.” I fixed my hair behind my ears and smiled. “A man made a date with a woman at a certain place and time. She had to get to that place at seven in the morning. Did I mention that she had to get there at seven? On the dot? In the morning?”

  Eliezer couldn’t find anything else to do. He nodded. I got up, because, if I didn’t, I would have slapped him, and becoming violent with him wasn’t a very good idea, not so much because of the sex that I would miss, but because of the baby that I was carrying. Eliezer watched my feet as I paced.

  “So, the charlatan who made a date with her didn’t come. Ever.... Ever! Can you believe that! Ah! Did I mention that the charlatan is her boss who she is in the habit of fucking?” He didn’t respond, nor make a move. “Did I mention that?”

  “No,” he said in a cracking whisper.

  “I didn’t mention it? Well, now I’m mentioning it. The damned charlatan is her boss. Her damned boss! So, as a good employee, the stupid woman got worried. After an hour and a half, she felt obliged to call him. And do you know what happened next?” I stopped and stared at him. “I’ll give you three possibilities. Surprise me!”

  “That’s enough, Miranda.”

  The quiet tone in which he spoke made me notice how loud I was.

  “Wrong answer, dear. Try again.” I winked.

  He didn’t say anything.

  “Do you know, at least, what the man says when she asks him if he’s alright?”

  Eliezer turned to look at the floor. I walked up to him and raised his chin with my hand.

  “The man answers, ‘I’m busy.’” I stepped away, and continued my pacing from one corner of the room to the other. “That is, the charlatan isn’t only fine, but also super busy. Can you believe a snub like that, Eliezer Clausell?” I paused to take a breath, because the heat deprived me of oxygen. I spoke in a lower tone, teary eyed. “Do you want to know something else? The charlatan has been super busy for two fucking weeks. Could he have been fucking for the last two weeks?”

  He tried to grab me by the arm. I was too quick. I wouldn’t give him the privilege of control. I moved my arm, and we were left looking each other dead on. The tension was building. The air was dense and reeked of sulfur. It was difficult to breathe. My hands were shaking like a vulnerable girl. The control that I felt over my thoughts and words vanished like ashes in the wind.
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br />   Eliezer bit his cheek and sighed. Was it out of guilt? Was it from frustration?

  “Lately, things haven’t gone as I had planned.”

  I smiled. In my mind, I said, Oh! And you’re telling me…

  He went back to looking at the floor. I wanted to see his eyes when he spoke to me. I wanted to scrutinize his pupils and look into them for the first sign of carelessness.

  “I regret the misunderstanding,” he added, and I felt myself becoming more infuriated.

  “Misunderstanding?” I let out a gulp of air. “Do you know what’s a misunderstanding? You being here. Get out!”

  I took him by the arm and forced him to stand. I tried to pull him all the way to the door, which made a comical scene. It was like moving a wall. During the commotion, he managed to imprison me in his arms. His hands were shaking because mine were.

  “Miranda, please, stop! What is wrong with you?”

  I started to feel the disarming effect of his touch. That anger of mine melted into tears… tears that rolled down my cheeks.

  “Go, please,” I asked in a very soft tone. “I need to be alone.” I paused. I don’t know if it was to regain my breath or my strength. “I want to be alone.”

  Eliezer didn’t follow my orders. Carefully, he slid his warm arms onto my shoulders, kissed my forehead, and waited for a reaction. It didn’t come.

  “Miranda, I can’t go and leave you like this.”

  “You disappeared for two weeks, Clausell.” I intended to break out of his lukewarm embrace. “You don’t have any obligation toward me. Please, go already.”

  He lifted my chin. Was it an act of pity or consolation?

  “I already told you. Things didn’t go as they should have.”

  “And why don’t you tell me once and for all how they should have gone?”

  My hands lay motionless at my sides. I wanted to embrace him… but not like before… not like that. Anyway, I could hear the beating of his heart. Eliezer Clausell needed me as much as I needed him, but I couldn’t save him… not like I was… in a state of chaos.

  “It doesn’t matter. Anyway, things won’t be as they should… ever,” I murmured.

  When noticing that I wasn’t returning his affection, he weakened his embrace.

  “I’ll go, Wise. I promise, but only if you tell me what’s wrong.”

  I didn’t hesitate to answer.

  “Physical exhaustion, Clausell. I need rest, a lot of rest…” I looked at his beautiful eyes. “…and tranquility.”

  The embrace was over. His hands dropped to his sides. He stopped leaning in toward me, and tilted toward the door.

  “Fine, then I’ll go so that you can rest.”

  That was another one of Eliezer’s flaws. He gives up too easily.

  He got up off the bed and moved away. I grabbed his hand.

  “No, better yet, no.” He turned around with the face of a suffering man. “I’d prefer it if you stay. At least tonight,” then another uncomfortable pause, “please.”

  He went back to the corner of the bed where he was before and sat down. I rested my head on his lap. His hands caressed my hair, taking away the burdens that I carried.

  Finally, after so many nights, I could rest.

  Eliezer

  “What is the matter with you? Don’t judge me, please.”

  It was 6:45 in the morning and Eliezer was no longer keeping me company. I was confined in a dwelling of mattresses, cushions, cold soups, juices that were past their expiration date, rest, and solitude. Before eight, I received Alex’s daily call whose purpose was nothing more than following Margaret’s required protocols and essentially verifying whether I was still alive.

  “Good morning,” he said.

  “Today’s answer is no. I’m still not dead.”

  “And if you were dead, dear, you’d be shocked right now, running around terrified.”

  I didn’t allow him to continue. My mind felt very cloudy and distant to enjoy his silly jokes.

  “Alex, I’m not up for this today.”

  “Sorry. I’m only trying to cheer you up a little and convince you to, finally, tell me the truth.”

  “The truth about what?”

  “Don’t play with me, Miranda. What’s going on with you? Is it so serious that you don’t want to share it with The Great Alex? Your best friend?”

  I doubted my resolve for a few moments. Beautiful words don’t always convince me.

  Except when they come from Eliezer, and even then, not every time.

  I rediscovered the rudeness strategy.

  “You haven’t sent me the report on the correspondence and actions taken with regards to the bidding in El Salvador.”

  I listened to the silence that surrounded the other end of the line and the distant murmuring of those who deal in insults and rudeness.

  “Fine. If you want to change topics, message received.”

  I insisted, but not because I was impatient.

  “Where’s the report on El Salvador?”

  He sighed.

  “Forget about El Salvador.”

  “What do you mean? How can I forget?”

  He sighed again.

  “Clausell’s son ordered us to pull out of the negotiations.”

  I abandoned my fetal position. I got out of bed and stood up.

  “You better give me the whys and wherefores, Alex”

  I imagined how, just then, he was looking up at the ceiling, something he does when he doesn’t want to follow an order.

  “It’s been a couple of days since Eliezer said so. I wanted to tell you, but your state of mind and health haven’t given me the opportunity to do it.”

  “Don’t give me that story. The son of a bitch threatened you? He told you not to tell me, right?”

  That was Eliezer’s modus operandi, and the only valid reason for Alex to hide something so important from me.

  “It’s not easy here, Miranda. The strangest things have been happening. Decisions have been made that make no sense.”

  I didn’t want to know any more details.

  “We’ll speak later, Alex.”

  I was on the verge of pressing the red button on the screen of the phone. The shout that came out of the speaker stopped me.

  “Don’t hang up yet, Miranda!”

  “Just imagine. It’s time for someone to put the imbecile we have for a boss in his place.”

  ***

  I didn’t have a script in my mind, only determination and a question. Why would he want to do me harm?

  I arrived with my face washed, sporting a long casual dress, high heel sandals, and a long lightweight coat. Margaret told me that Eliezer was in the boardroom. The pleading in her eyes–that I abandon whatever mission I was on–was fruitless. I couldn’t even hear whom he was with. I took long quick strides and abruptly opened the door. My eyes found Eliezer and Isabel, both looking astonished.

  I laughed wryly. That’s what I’d been missing.

  “Clausell, I need a few minutes.”

  The man gave his mother a greasy look.

  “Wise. Can’t you see that I’m in the middle of a meeting?”

  I walked toward him. I raised my hand a little and spoke with a deliberate mannerism and a raised index finger.

  “I need a few minutes. Now.”

  Despite the implicit threat and the strictness in my tone, Eliezer managed a mild, but nearly invisible smile, the kind that he likes to keep secret when he gets excited. Right away, the anxiety was reflected in his face. Isabel rose.

  “Good morning, Miranda.” I responded to the greeting sarcastically with a look of contempt. She responded with the first shot to begin the battle. “You can say whatever it is in my presence. I am the wife of the founder, mother of the CEO and, of course, your superior.

  I walked toward her and put my hand on her shoulder.

  “I prefer to speak alone with my immediate boss. It’s my right,” I responded with a smile on my lips. I withdrew my hand
and Eliezer began to speak.

  “Isabel is right, Miss Wise. Moreover, she’s a shareholder in the company. We shouldn’t exclude her from Medika affairs.”

  I focused my eyes on the man. Great! Two against one!

  I gave him the opportunity to redeem himself.

  “Let’s talk about El Salvador.”

  Eliezer leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs.

  “Apparently, your team’s loyalty is more powerful than my orders.”

  “Why did you do it?” I asked, when in reality I wanted to say, “Why are you doing this to me?”

  Eliezer looked at his mother, who took advantage of the silence to sit down again, cross her legs, and smile from ear to ear. Then he looked at me very seriously for a few seconds and spoke: checkmate.

  “I don’t have to give explanations to my subordinates, much less share with them why I make decisions that are for the good of this company.”

  I noticed contempt in his words–that same contempt that he had for me the first day that he arrived. I didn’t have to look at Isabel to notice how satisfied she was with her son’s response. The atmosphere reeked with her malice.

  If Eliezer and I were alone, the story would be different. We would have ended the conflict with strong words, insults, and a session of incomprehensible lust. Of course, that wasn’t the case. Eliezer Clausell only made me feel anxiety, sadness, and anger. I had nothing more to say, nothing more to do. I turned halfway and abandoned Medika with my heels clacking.

  After going out the door, I found the answer to my problem. I made a difficult decision. I leaned against the wastepaper bin outside the large glass doors of the main entrance. I felt a bit of nausea, but nothing more. That’s what Eliezer Clausell had caused. How disgusting. Living nine months alone, unappreciated, devalued, and hated was not worth it. Much less was it worth giving such a father to an innocent child. You can’t miss what you never had. Suddenly, those words of his reverberated in my mind. They made me reassess many of my ideas.

  ***

  There it was: the most discreet place I could find with no Planned Parenthood sign on the outside. There were two women in the waiting room. The younger one looked relaxed and played with her smart phone. The older one, in her forties, was quiet. She hid her face behind large Christian Dior sunglasses that framed her Vanity Fair pose to perfection. I sat at the back of the room. I didn’t go to the counter. I needed more time. What if I got over the anger and the will to go ahead with the act? In the middle of the turmoil of emotions, I received a text message.